Small Victories are Important
Some adventures aren't choices. Finding small ways to take charge can make a bad situation better.
A client who I will call Alice Maria* was in her late fifties and going through a divorce when we started working together. She and her husband had known for some time that they were no longer compatible. After a period of couples therapy, they agreed on an apparently amicable split.
But once the papers were signed and her now ex-husband had moved all his belongings out of the home that was now officially hers, Alice Maria felt sad.
“I’m not depressed,” she told me. “I’m still functioning at work; in fact, I’m doing really well. I talk with our children, who are living their own lives, and I see friends. I don’t miss my husband, although I miss the life we used to have. But,” she said, “I might have felt some of this anyway. I think it’s part of getting older. Life isn’t the same.”
I hear echoes of Alice Maria’s words frequently these days, as clients, friends and family talk about some of the less pleasant changes in their lives as they age. My friend Nate* retired a few years ago and, instead of traveling with his wife as they had planned, he is taking care of her during a debilitating and potentially life-threatening illness. Nate is the spouse we’d all like to have if we are ever unfortunate enough to be in that situation. Kind, funny, and meticulous, he is gentle and supportive and always there for his wife. But the other day he admitted to me that he feels overwhelmed and, at times, resentful of all that he is expected to do. “I never thought I’d have to change my wife’s diapers,” he said. “These are supposed to be the ‘golden years,’ but there’s nothing golden about them.”
Julia*, who left her aging parents behind in a war-torn country when she moved with her husband and their children, said something similar. “It is better here,” she said, “but it’s still very, very hard. And I worry about my parents all the time.”
And Arch*, who hated retirement and went looking for a job because he was bored, also talked about being surprised that retirement was so different from what he expected.
Although not depressed, each of these individuals struggles with sadness, loss, frustration, and feelings of being overwhelmed. And each has discovered that one way to make themselves feel better is to notice tiny victories that make up part of every day.
Alice Maria didn’t take on a huge new project. “I’d love to paint all the rooms in my house new colors,” she said, “or get all new furniture, to show I’m starting over. But those are big projects, and I don’t have the money or the time for either one. And to be honest, I don’t have the energy.” But she realized that she needed to make an effort to shift gears in some way. We talked about trying to do something small, something she could enjoy, without feeling the task as one more pressure she had to live up to.
“I think I’d like to read a book,” she told me one day. “A novel. Maybe a historical romance. I haven’t done that since before my marriage.” It took several weeks for her to find one she wanted to read. I asked if she had any thoughts about why it was taking so long.
“It feels like a silly goal,” she said. “I mean, it’s nothing deep or life changing. It’s not important. Actually, it’s embarrassing. I don’t want to tell any of my friends—or even you—that I’m doing it.”
We live in a world in which “big things” are often valued more than small things. But as the psychoanalyst Harry Stack Sullivan often pointed out, reality exists in the small details and small actions of everyday life. For Alice Maria, sitting down to read a “silly” historical romance novel was both a small step and a tremendously important action. When she finally managed to do it, she told me, “It was one of the most pleasurable activities I’ve done in a long time. I sat on my porch and read, and when I was done, I felt as if I’d been to the beach on a summer day!”
Nate was also struggling to find a small, pleasurable activity during a difficult time. When he finally found one, he too was embarrassed. He called my husband and asked if they could meet for breakfast. “I guess we’ve really and truly entered old age,” he laughed when he suggested it. “Two old men meeting up for breakfast.
”
It was another small, perhaps insignificant-seeming victory. But when my husband came home from breakfast, he said, “That was great. We both really enjoyed it. Why haven’t we ever done it before?”
Rather than being something she sought out, Julia’s small victory, like many others that I have heard about, was thrust on her, almost against her will. “My daughter’s teacher wanted me to tell the children in her class about life in our country,” she said. “I realized that I wanted to share that with my children, too. I don’t want them to forget where we come from. But I’m not a good storyteller. I’m too shy, and my English is terrible. I asked my children for help, and my youngest said they should draw pictures of our life before.” Julia started crying. “We got paper and magic markers, and my children began to draw. But they had some questions only my mom could answer. We FaceTimed with her while we were drawing.” As they worked, they talked about what they had left behind, what they missed, and what they appreciated about their new country. They laughed about many of the mistakes that had humiliated them as they tried to settle into their new lives. And they laughed even harder as they talked about how they had each dealt with new tastes, foods, sounds, and weather, while also trying to maintain old traditions in their new world.
“It was a chance to share some of the good and the bad of this new life with each other and with my mother, too. It was good therapy,” Julia told me. “And it brought us closer than we had been since we got here.”
Arch also found a small victory in the weeds of his painful search for work. “I haven’t found a job yet,” he said, “but one of the younger guys at my old place of employment reached out for a little mentoring. It’s just small stuff, but he’s so grateful that it’s almost embarrassing. And it makes me feel much better.”
Can you think of a minor, even unimportant task that might bring you a little sense of satisfaction? You may not have time to read an entire novel, but maybe you could take time to read a magazine? Can you take a short walk, call a friend, or take a nap? Listen to a podcast or watch a show you’ve been meaning to check out. These activities won’t take away pain or change your life overnight. But the small victory of doing something different, helpful, or simply relaxing can be surprisingly rewarding.
*Unless I specifically say otherwise or provide links or other identification, the names and identifying info about people I write about have been changed to protect their privacy.