Recently my husband fell and ended up in the hospital and rehab for several weeks. During that time, as I was focused on his care, several friends reminded me to take care of myself as well. I appreciated the reminder, which is something I often say to loved ones and clients when they are in times of crisis.
But while self-care is often difficult to practice, it seems to be even harder, in some ways, as we get older. Some of the general difficulties, including lack of time, concerns about being self-indulgent, feelings of inadequacy, and lack of self-compassion, which I describe on my Psychology Today blog are still there as we age, but other issues get folded in.
One of these issues is vulnerability. As we move into the Third Age, we become aware that we are not as strong, physically, mentally, or emotionally, as we were even a few years ago. Many of us fight these feelings successfully when everything is going well. But when something bad throws us off kilter as we age, it can be harder to deny a sense of weakness. And oddly enough, self-care requires some strength.
Another issue is awareness of mortality. When we reach “a certain age,” we lose friends and loved ones at a greater pace than when we were younger. It becomes harder to deny our own mortality and the potential loss of others. A sense of doom can also make it hard to practice self-care. As one client in her eighties, who was caring for her frail husband and dealing with the loss of a very close friend, put it, “It almost feels like why bother to take care of myself? Everything’s going downhill. My husband’s going to die. I’m going to die. Taking care of myself isn’t going to change any of that.”
Feeling overwhelmed by our emotions can also interfere with our ability to practice self-care. Depression, panic, and anxiety, as well as anger, frustration, and painful sadness can all interfere with our ability to function at our fullest capacity. In the initial stages of my husband’s crisis, I found myself unable to think further ahead than the next hour or two. Taking care of my husband was, in fact, the only way I could care for myself. Plans for some self-care were simply not in my toolkit.
But there is good news here. One of the great advantages of aging is that we have a wide range of experiences to draw from, and knowledge gained from some of those previous experiences can help us in difficult times. When you are in the middle of a crisis, it might seem strange to think about other times of difficulty in your life, but I have found that those memories often contain a seed of both self-soothing and self-care. For instance, when one client was faced with a recurrence of cancer in her sixties, nearly thirty years after her first diagnosis, she said, “I’ve gotten through terrible times in my life. I don’t know how this will unfold, and I’m frightened. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s to just keep going. It’ll be different this time, but I know that I can just start treatment and manage things as they come up. It helps to remember that I’ve done it before.” The reminder of past difficulties was a way of connecting to her own internal strengths.
So how can you manage self-care when crisis hits during the Third Age of life? How can you keep things together in the middle of chaos and care for yourself at the same time?
Despite the changes in our circumstances and sense of who we are when we’re older, some of the tried-and true-self-care regimens apply, with slight adjustments.
Practice self-compassion. You might not be quite as quick or efficient as you were in the past, but cut yourself some slack. You’re dealing with hard stuff, and you’re doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself while you’re doing what needs to be done. You can eat healthily and get exercise, because that, too, is taking care of yourself. But if you want to treat yourself to a day without a workout or a couple of meals with your favorite dessert, indulge yourself compassionately rather than criticize yourself for the guilty pleasure.
Talk to friends, family, loved ones. Expressing your feelings is one way of taking care of yourself. Research has shown that connections to others can make a tremendous difference in how we age. But while connecting with others who listen to and support you is important, it’s also important to connect with folks who make you laugh and talk about things other than your troubles. Self-care can involve recognizing and acting on this need. One woman I know told her friends to bring a joke to every phone call. “It was much better than crying all the time,” she said.
Set boundaries. Sometimes talking to friends and loved ones can be too much. As we get older, many of us become more comfortable saying that we need time on our own, or simply turning off our phones for a while. But it’s also okay to do something that brings you peace – take a walk or a bike ride, or even go to a concert or a movie, if possible. A client who was very close with her sister worked hard to give herself permission to spend time away from this beloved sibling. To her surprise, when she did say something, her sister told her, “I was feeling something wasn’t quite right, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. This makes total sense to me.”
Ask for what you need. In times of crisis people often ask if there’s anything they can do to help. Our first impulse is often to say “no,” since no one can take away the central problem. But think about it. How many times have you asked that question of someone else? Does it make you feel better when they give you something to do? So if it helps, think about making your friends feel better by asking them for what you need! Would you like a friend to organize a meal train? Would it help to have someone pick up the dry cleaning or medicines you haven’t been able to get to? Being older sometimes makes it easier to say “yes” when someone wants to help.
I’m happy to say that my husband is much better, for which I am tremendously grateful. But in this time of crisis, I did things that I probably wouldn’t have done when I was younger. I asked for help without worrying about being a burden. I set boundaries without worrying about not being “nice.” And I chose what I wanted to include in “self-care” rather than follow someone else’s directives. I encourage you to do the same – even when you’re not in crisis! Please share some of your self-care favorites and tell us how they’ve changed over the years!
photo credit: iStock photo ID:1388964413 photographer: eybusinessimages
Very helpful Diane, thank you. We do often forget self care! And remembering to draw on the past is helpful.
Wonderful!